I was always a good software engineer. Not stellar, but I worked hard and always got above average performance reviews. I worked at several defense companies, a start-up and some manufacturing companies. I came to specialize in embedded software. As I advanced to more senior levels, though, I started liking software engineering less and less. I enjoyed the coding, but not the politics nor deadlines. I especially didn't like (and could never handle) the responsibilites of leadership. I could never get accustomed to being responsible for other people's schedule and output. I take direction well, but I don't like telling people what to do. I can handle the toughest technical assignment, but can't handle the simplest management task if it involves direct reports.
For the last decade and a half, I walked a tightrope where I didn't do as well as I could have to avoid being made a tech lead, but did just enough to avoid being fired. Being a lead affected me so much that I tried telling my managers outright I don't want to be a tech lead. They would still make me one regardless. What else could I do when managers ignored my direct wishes? I would change jobs whenever I had to be a lead. This happened a few times. I would start looking for another job as soon as I got an inkling that I would have to be a lead. Changing jobs was easier than trying to go back to not being a lead. Because once you became a lead, you were expected to continue as one, if not continuously, then whenever the need arose (which was basically all the time).
Despite my efforts, it was unavoidable that I have to be tech lead sometimes, and it took a big toll on me whenever I did. I never told the companies I worked at what I was going through because it seemed like something that just needs to be toughed out and be grinded out. I did as best I could and changed jobs when necessary, but in this latest go-around, I couldn't bring myself to find another job. I was just mentally exhausted and fed up/burned out. And it started to affect me physically as well. Everything came to a head over the course of 2021.
I asked to reduce my hours at the beginning of 2021, hoping that would help. It did, in that I did not get worse, but I didn't get better either. I was still mentally exhausted. I was extremely irritable at home. It wasn't fair to my family. I tried to find a therapist to help me, but after calling more than 2 dozen, I could not get one to see me. I guess I was a minor victim of the pandemic. Finally, at the end of my rope, with the blessing of my dear wife, I quit.
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